Hegseth Horror Show

Keep your daughters away from Gaetz and your wives away from Hegseth.

It’s been a month since that sleepless night of horrors when America decided to own the libs by electing Trump to a second, non-consecutive term. Now, it’s abundantly clear that Trump is not eager to govern but to upset the decent citizens of this country (and dominate the headlines as always) by nominating a who’s-who of white supremacists, sycophants, sex criminals, drunkards, hard-ons, TV personalities, and generally unqualified opportunists to fill his presidential cabinet.

The only nominee who checks all those boxes is Pete Hegseth. What can I say that hasn’t been said about this GI Jerk-off? Like many of you, I didn’t even know about this stiff until he was nominated to head the Pentagon. Move over Donald Rumsfeld, this might be the worst Secretary of Defense in history. He’s certainly the drunkest. And, now that Gaetz is out of picture, he’s also the most rapey.

I say all this charitably: This guy’s list of scandals makes me want to stop drinking. I’m grimly reminded that alcoholism is alive and well and that if my 2024 post-election malaise were to devolve into a 2016-like bender (my response to Trump’s initial rise), I could start trying to dance with strippers too—maybe even lose my wife (who is on the “not party girl” list). My mother could then disown me in an email. Thank you, Major Mai Tai, for reminding me just how deep the hole can get for degenerates. (Of course, he will never read this because he’s too drunk to properly decipher words.)

To add in some backstory, Major Manchild headed Concerned Veterans for America (CVA) during his unsuccessful battle with alcoholism, sexism, and Fuckfaceitis. This sounds like a contradiction given that Hegshit only seemed “concerned” about women he hadn’t yet fucked—until you learn that CVA is part of the Koch network and can’t be trusted to do anything noble or decent—or anything at all except shrink government and reduce the tax burden for rich scumbags.

He apparently got forced out of CVA and another rightwing “veterans’ organization,” Veterans for Freedom (VFF), for making drunken advances on women and for running up enormous debts (which sounds on-brand for an addict and for the DoD—to be fair). It didn’t surprise me at all to learn that he’s also a hawk: VFF’s main goal in life was to expand the God-awful war on Iraq under Bush II. He also reportedly chanted “kill all Muslims” in front of his colleagues. So much for the foolish notion that Trump II would be less militaristic than Biden I.

Note: This is not the real Pete Hegseth or the real Jan. 6 rioters.

I haven’t yet mentioned Eggspit’s sketchy tattoos—the kind a violent extremist and/or white supremacist might wear and the kind that sets off alarm bells even in the heavily inked military. As a National Guardsman, he was apparently deemed too extreme to be trusted with protecting President Biden during the 2021 presidential inauguration. (But I have no doubt that Trump would let Fakeset watch his back and Melania’s as long as he complimented both and didn’t get too handsy.)

The same “alleged” extremist denied that extremism is a problem in the U.S. military—and referred to the Jan. 6 thugs as patriots who love freedom. I’m sure he would have bought a beer for each and every one of those faux freedom fighters (and invited Brett Kavanaugh) if he hadn’t spent the last of his cash on divorce settlements and lawsuits. He can go straight to the bars—at Gitmo—as far as I’m concerned.

Fuck this guy with his unpronounceable name: He belongs on Fox News. He should stay there—until he’s ready for rehab.