Gaetz of Hell

Congressman Matt Gaetz is gone. Finally, some good news. Let's enjoy it—while it lasts.

I have to give credit where credit is due: Matt Gaetz might be the biggest piece of shit ever to serve in the U.S. House of Representatives—and that’s saying a lot. I won’t give him the title for Congress as a whole because if I include the Senate, he’d be competing with “Tail Gunner” Joe McCarthy, “Moscow” Mitch McConnell, and “Lucifer in the Flesh” Ted Cruz.

What’s my criteria for the “biggest piece of shit” designation you ask? Well, it starts with the reasonable expectation that a sitting member of Congress refrain from trafficking and statutory raping underage girls—not to mention celebrating this depravity on the floor of the House by showing photos and videos to his (hopefully) disgusted colleagues. In nominating such a sick-fuck boy for U.S. Attorney General earlier this month, Trump set the bar so low that I would give up candy bars for Lent in exchange for Bill Barr. I’d feel a lot safer with Barr at the helm of the DOJ—he has the look of a man whose dick comes with a safe deposit box.

Of course, Gaetz is far from the first politician to engage in sex crimes or misconduct. The Hall of Shame in that department goes all the way back to Alexander Hamilton—but I’m not going to diss a (dead) man who was the subject of such a brilliant musical. (I will diss that treacherous Aaron Burr, though, fuck him.)

Does anyone remember Dennis Hastert? That predatory pig served in the House for decades, which gave him easy access to young boys. And that’s just scratching the surface of a binder full of sex crimes: I haven’t even mentioned Roy Moore. Then, of course, there’s Trump’s connection to Jeffrey Epstein and many crimes against women. I don’t have the stomach to recount them. Bottom line: Don’t be fooled by any Republican appeals to morality and family values. Also, don’t be fooled by the religious-blowhard Trumper types: God has nothing to do with why they support him. (Not the jealous, uptight, sex-negative Christian God at least. Maybe Dionysus.)

In many ways, Gaetz is the quintessential 2024 Republican: A shameless, godless, Trump-loving asshole with no fucks to give about the working class, women, people of color, gays, democracy, the environment, or common decency of any kind. I would hate him with a passion even if he exclusively fucked his wife (whom I feel sorry for in any case)—and didn’t suffer from a bad case of resting-perv face. (SNL had a better Gaetz takedown I’ll link to here.)

The pugnacious prick saw justice coming, so he led a coup against the previous House Speaker and GOP Head Weasel Kevin McCarthy to save his own skin. When he couldn’t get a pardon from Big Daddy Trump, he made another unwanted advance: pushing to become the top law enforcement official in the country—despite an appalling lack of qualifications and the worst optics since Trump’s Stormy Daniels encounter. There’s no way Gaetz would have to face any consequences as Attorney General. He and his ilk could return the investigative focus back where it belongs: Squarely on Hunter Biden. Master stroke.

But the plan backfired. It turns out America had met its quota for sleezy perverts in positions of power.

Gaetz is out of the picture—for now at least. I’m sure he’ll either end up on the fringes of Trump’s orbit or quit politics to write a tell-nothing book that blames feminists and social justice warriors for his alleged sins (I’m sure it’ll be snatched up quickly)—and launch an underground dating site exclusively for perverts, pederasts, and sanctimonious Republican politicians. Hell, the way things are going in this country, Gaetz might even make a full comeback: He just needs to convince us all that somehow the Democrats are even worse.

Happy trials, Matt Gaetz!