Elon Musk
The anti-woke Musky "dark MAGA" knight is not the hero we need or deserve.
I don’t like to pick on the developmentally disabled, but Elon Musk is an exception. You can’t punch down on a billionaire who wants to rule the world—and possibly the universe.
Musk, in case you’ve been living under a moon rock for two decades, is the smug, eccentric, immigrant founder of SpaceX, Tesla, PayPal, and a bunch of other shit of varying levels of usefulness and intrigue (“The Boring Company” is certainly intriguing). The most astonishing thing is he made time to conceive twelve children. He keeps busy—I’ll give him that.
(Note: I mention that he’s an immigrant only to set the stage for revealing his hypocrisy. I love immigrants in general. I just hate this one in particular.)
Before you start salivating over Musk’s resume, know that he is just a far richer version of a typical pompous, rich asshole with an authoritarian father (also rich and pompous) who couldn’t stand the thought of his favorite ejaculation turning out to be anything but a pompous, rich asshole. He’s basically Trump with a bigger brain. Trump’s daddy made his fortune in real estate in New York City, while the elder Musk owned emerald mines in Africa. (Of course, little Trump has no problem with the fact that little Musk is an immigrant.) It’s easier to rise when you have a foundation made of precious stones—not to mention that it’s easier to be a serial entrepreneur when you have the ethics and affect of a serial killer.
Two years ago this month, Musk bought Twitter and rebranded it to “X,” which marks the spot of rightwing conspiracy theories, anti-woke propaganda, pigheaded trolling directed at celebrities, and general tech-bro dysfunction. I am one of many who is boycotting the platform—but I despised it even before Musk took over. My opposition is simple: If you’re generally a terrible writer, you’re even worse when limited to 140 or 280 characters. The same is true if you’re a terrible human.
And if you thought of Musk as an independent, nonpartisan, equal-opportunity douchebag, you’d be wrong. He’s reportedly funneling millions to the Trump campaign—while openly endorsing Donald, Duck!—and using his platform, money, and profile to increase Republican voter turnout.
Side note: Trump is so broke from all the lawsuits and indictments that he’ll take money from anyone—even a guy he thinks is weird and annoying. (I’d rank Trump slightly ahead of Musk on the weird/annoying spectrum.)
Prior to election season, Mr. Dark MAGA sent dark money to anti-immigrant groups who want Trump to deport dark people in American so that nativist know-nothings have more space to drag their knuckles. It’s rich how a rich asshole from South Africa can make more money and hold more power in America than 99 percent of the rest of us and then block other folks from achieving their own (American) dreams—few of which would result in ugly, Star Wars-esque monstrosities rolling through our streets without a sound (to warn us) or a driver. (If he dreamed more European, we might have efficient high-speed rail running from California to the New York islands by now.) I can only hope a self-driving amphibious Tesla delivers him and his pervert father to some remote island where sadistic sex-crazed robots force them to reproduce with penis-pinching crabs. (And, in case you’re a nerd, yes, I ripped off the show Silicon Valley a little bit with this joke—but they didn’t come up with the penis-pinching-crabs part. That was all yours truly.)
If you think this is too harsh to our friend Elon, consider who the real immigrant (phantom) menace is and why we’re not building a stronger alliance to fight back. Musk has fully embraced the Dark Side at a precarious time for the Republic, and he’s somehow even less human in his mannerisms than Darth Vader (RIP James Earl Jones—you were one of one.)
Where’s Luke Skywalker when you need him?