Oh, Shit, Trump II Coming Soon

Thinking of fleeing America? Read this before you punk out.

First, I had a severe case of the Mondays, so I’m writing on Tuesday morning instead. It’s amazing how you don’t have to work a normal job to struggle to get out of bed on a Monday morning while hating your life and everything in it. This is how strong the 9-to-5 grip is in America. It’s like heroin—you can’t go cold turkey. I’m also a frequent victim of the Sunday Scaries despite not having a full-time job since late 2024. Mondays are always a mindfuck for me—it’s just a matter of degree.

However, the most terrifying Monday of 2025, so far at least, will be next Monday. On Jan. 20, another “date which will live in infamy,” we will inaugurate our old/new president: Donald Trump—otherwise known as President Evil. In case you’re not a gamer geek, “President Evil” is a murky reference to the video game series Resident Evil, which is set during a fictional zombie apocalypse.

When I think of hordes of Americans headed for the Mexican border (forget Canada—it’s wintertime!) to escape Trump II, it conjures up images of a zombie apocalypse, a concept that millions of Americans used to be obsessed with until viral shows like The Walking Dead started taking giant shits on its fanbase by forgetting how to write sensical plots and any dialogue whatsoever. (For the record, fuck Negan.)

I think the real zombie apocalypse is already upon is in the form of emotionless capitalists who methodically extract profit from equally emotionless workers, who sell their freedom and soul for a meager wage out of fear—only to spend it all on useless (low-)status symbols and mindless entertainment. People who worry about undead monsters but think day-to-day human reality is dull and unthreatening are missing the fucking point and are probably the real zombies. Of course, this type of apocalypse is too real to be entertaining, so it hasn’t been made into a show yet.

But let me bring us back to the point: Yes, shit fucking sucks right now. This is a low point in American history. Unlike other infamous dates like Dec. 7, 1941, or Sept. 11, 2001, this time we’re being attacked from within—and at least a third of us will be rooting for the attacker. A smaller portion would happily submit to a Trump dictatorship if it meant they didn’t have to think for themselves anymore. We’ve given teenage dirtbags the keys to our Corvette and removed the brakes. It’s hard to overstate the insanity of it.

Jan. 20, 2025, will be a grim day indeed.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

But if you’re thinking of fleeing or checking out for good, I hope you reconsider. The reason is simple: The fact that you care so much means we need you. We don’t need more apathetic, douchey “undecided” types—those who would never think about leaving or resisting—we need patriots ready to rebuild our country from the ashes of whatever inferno President Evil ignites. The Syrians are doing this as we speak.

Speaking to Millennials, it’s no secret that the older generations have failed us. But it will soon be our turn. Do we want to be represented by the likes of J.V. Vance? (There’s a reason he couldn’t make varsity—he sucks.) There’s a power vacuum waiting to be filled once enough Boomers kick the bucket and enough Gen Xers age past their prime like Aaron Rodgers, and it won’t be filled by expats. We need to step the fuck up. It’s clear what direction the younger generations are headed, and it’s as far away from the physical world as possible. (I can’t say I blame them either—I enter the spirit world about once a month.) Once a functional Metaverse exists, Zoomers will be forever neutralized. The stakes couldn’t be higher for Millennials.

What will I be doing on inauguration day? It should be obvious given my reference to the “spirit world.” I plan to forget Trump’s name—and my own—for at least a few hours. But once the smoke in my head clears, I’ll be back in the fight. And you better be with me.