Protect Women
Let's protect women (from Trump) by stopping the fascist rollback of their rights.
If you follow elections as closely as I do, and you’re a millennial or older, you’ve heard the “lesser of two evils” mantrum at least one too many times. In case anyone would dare apply this worn-out label to Harris v. Trump 2024, consider how this past week has gone for each. Both candidates got to make one final push to win over the bane of my existence: Undecideds. How did they do?
In her closing argument, the former prosecutor Kamala Harris talked about policy and unity—“I will listen to you, even if you don’t vote for me”—while displaying humility: “I’m not perfect. I make mistakes.” It was classy and presidential. She also acknowledged that Americans are still largely getting to know her because, you know, she’s yet to star in a reality TV show. She did sprinkle in a few (warranted) attacks, calling Trump a “petty tyrant,” but that’s about as polite a label you can give Donald Dumbass without lying to yourself or others.
The petty tyrant, on the other hand, mansplained to American women that he would protect them, even against their will, from foreigners. (I’m surprised he didn’t say “blacks,” “hordes,” or “hordes of blacks”—credit to Jordan Klepper for astutely name-dropping Birth of a Nation at a recent Trump rally. If you haven’t seen it, please don’t. And by “it” I mean the 1915 racist propaganda film Birth of a Nation not the Klepper video, which you should watch right the hell now.) If I had a nickel for every time I wished Americans knew the first thing about their history, I would have enough money saved up to emigrate to a country with a better one.
That Trumpy, cringe-worthy statement was Wednesday. Then, the Great Pumpkin went full horror show on Halloween (Thursday) by conjuring up a sinister hypothetical of Liz Cheney facing a firing squad. This was supposedly an anti-war message, mind you. I guess Liz is unworthy of that alleged protection he promised to American women. (She’s not obedient enough to be worth a damn, apparently.) Given how homicidal her father is, though, Trump should consider beefing up his own protection. He’s really pushing his luck after two assassination attempts already. Seriously. Can anyone my age or older imagine some draft-dodging, silver-spoon little bitch threatening Liz Cheney back when big Dick was vice president? I’m sure it would have bought him a one-way ticket to Gitmo or a shotgun blast to the face. Dick doesn’t fuck around.
But if ol’ Dick shows mercy and chooses Gitmo, I imagine the Orange Man would look good in an orange jumpsuit—especially after witnessing the garbage truck/orange vest spectacle. (He must really like orange.) The black hood would be the cherry on top. If Dick had the power of foresight, he could have hidden some goons in the back of the truck waiting to pounce as soon as Trump managed to climb aboard (on the third attempt). Where is that big Dick energy when we need it most? (I’m also looking at you, Arnold Palmer.)
I realize I’ve meandered off the point. (I call it “the weave.”) Let me close by saying that even someone dumb or clueless enough to still be undecided has to appreciate the stark contrast between the candidates: This is not Bush v. Gore 2000. Yet, (In)Decision 2024 could also end with the Supreme Court and/or the House of Representatives handing the election to the Republican and further dismantling our fragile democracy. That is the only comparison to 2000 I’ll allow.
The good news is the bastards can’t overturn Roe v. Wade again, but they can certainly fuck up women’s lives in a lot of other ways—and the rest of us by extension. (If any man has wet dreams about A Handmaid’s Tale, I submit to you that that man is a dangerous incel at best.) Trumpers don’t want to “protect” anything except their power—especially their power over. So, let’s protect ourselves by beating them off with enough votes to make them wish they’d never laid a hand on our democracy.
Sorry, Donald, but you’re a 5 at best, and she’s just not that into you.