Scam Artists
Is everyone a grifter these days? Short answer: Yes.
I am confident that scammers have existed at least as long as money itself. Capitalism in and of itself is a scam (but more on that in a future post—for now just read anything by Mr. Karl Marx). It’s hard to deny that scams, grits, hoaxes, rip-offs, hustles, cons, tricks, and acts of malfeasance are getting more and more sophisticated due to technology and people’s unwillingness or inability to make legitimate money (and I can attest to how fucking hard that can be).
Every vulnerability is used against us these days.
Waiting too long to receive a package? There’s a scam for that in the form of a text message claiming to be from the United States Postal Service (USPS) phishing for your personal information so that you can track your nonexistent parcel. (Hint: It can’t be from USPS because they haven’t discovered texting yet.)
Out of job? Well, scammers have you covered. They’ll mimic the email address of a legitimate company and make you an offer without the need to apply—and the benefits are always too good to be true. Always.
Need an extended warranty for your car? Don’t even get me started on those bastards. Short answer: You don’t ever need one of these. If you get solicited by mail, call them up and tell them to go fuck themselves. It worked for me. Of course, they still kept sending letters—but at least I felt better.
Want to help someone in need? I know someone who was conned into buying groceries for a woman and her kids—only to find out from a store employee that generous (and gullible) strangers had been purchasing groceries for that same woman and those same (spoiled) kids all day (at the same store).
Trying to make some quick, easy money? Invest in crypto. Enough said.
Passionate about political change? There’s always a grifter masquerading as a politician who will take your money and (typically) not govern the way you’d hoped he would and/or use said money for some nefarious purpose. If you need one example, I can give you 45. Oh, and there’s also the legendary ex-Rep. George Santos. He might be my favorite grifter of all time because of the strange shit he lies about, such as starring in volleyball at a college he never attended. I mean, even if it were true, who gives a flying fuck?
Desperate for love and too lazy or scared to meet people in person? You better believe there’s a scam for that. It’s called pig butchering. (But it’s not what you’re thinking because it doesn’t involve pigs or sex.) I can point to numerous podcasts and Netflix documentaries if you want all the lurid details.
Planning to vote twice to give your candidate or party an advantage? Oh, wait, it turns out that’s not really a thing. The real fraud here is Republicans using this specter as an excuse to deny the franchise of legitimate American voters. It may (not) surprise you that these efforts tend to be targeted against Black people, who are among the communities least likely to vote Republican. God bless them.
In my case I found out a couple days ago that my personal information is on the dark web—whatever the hell that is. I tend to get “dark web” mixed up with dark matter, but I’ve come to realize that they’re only loosely related. The dark web is where the nerds who are too stupid to study things like dark matter end up. I could picture a bunch of smelly 45-year-old virgins living in their grandmother’s basement—but that would be too kind.
Bottom line: I’m mad: I had to freeze my credit, and this meant contacting three different bureaus. (They might have sweet-sounding names like “Equifax,” but they’re worse than that horrible ex who kept all of your bad deeds on a spreadsheet.) Now I’m supposed to call the Federal Trade Commission for some reason. Anyone who’s ever called a federal agency or government entity of any kind knows just how maddening this is. This is what I get for having an identity worth stealing.
I would take it as a compliment—but given that early voting has started, there will be hell to pay if some dark web loser-nerd tarnishes my good name by voting for Trump. He better clean out my bank accounts to open a children’s hospital or pay Jill Stein to go away. That’s the only way I can forgive.